One thing I did to create a thriving relationship
One thing I did to create a thriving relationship...
I chose to heal.
I healed the parts of me that would want to shut down and run away from my partner when things got too hard.
As a man, we live in our heads, we’re never taught to express what’s challenging for us, let alone the uncomfortable emotions that arise in the body.
The way many of us deal with it, is to escape and isolate, hoping it will pass on it’s own and never have to look at it again.
This was me in many past relationships, wanting to constantly shut down, isolate and become a mute, internalising everything, which led to the partner I was with, to blame and question themselves.
It wasn’t until I owned this avoidant and shut down behaviour as a part of who I am, was the moment I finally got curious as to why I would do this.
I learned very quickly of three things…
1) I isolated because of the shame I felt about myself, creating a story there is something wrong with me, which naturally separates us from others and we feel we don’t deserve another’s love and connection.
2) I shut down because I didn’t know how to communicate the uncomfortable feeling inside of me, without losing my shit and scared of appearing as weak.
3) I escaped because no one ever sat with me to regulate my emotions, so I only knew how to do it on my own, I believed no one could handle me and my shit.
Once I realised I was doing these things, I learned how it was affecting my partner negatively.
So, I made the decision to:
Learn to communicate to my partner what I was experiencing in the moment
Owned it
Expressed what I needed or have been avoiding saying
Went to work on bringing myself closer to her after each conversation
Released emotions in my own space
Co-regulated with other men in what I was dealing with internally, receiving their support and finding those who could ‘handle me’
Repeat, repeat, repeat
When we switch our focus from, it’s us against our partner, to it’s us as a partnership against the issue itself, this is when we get to create a thriving relationship based on safety, security and expansion.