People pleasing and anger
Many of us men who suppress anger, have a tendency to be people pleasers.
As a recovering people pleaser, I learned that I pleased others unconsciously as a way to try to control how others would feel and respond to me, in particular to prevent anger
I couldn’t handle the thought of others being angry at me, because receiving that anger I would fear to be too painful, a pain that was experienced in childhood
I saw how destructive anger could be, how much it could hurt.
So, I actively avoided making others angry.
But what was the big ah ha moment, was deep down it was because I actually feared my own anger
I suppressed anger all my whole life, and I was scared of how destructive I could be if I let it out, and the damage it could have on my life
So I avoided my own anger.
I couldn’t handle other people’s anger, because I couldn’t face my own.
If we learned anger wasn’t safe as a child, we would hide it away in order to be accepted and loved, and avoid pain.
This can translate in unconsciously avoiding making others angry and denying our own anger, because of the fear of it.
We can become too agreeable, let people cross our boundaries, hesitate to speak our truth and stand up for ourselves.
When we suppress anger, eventually it will start eating away at us through disease or explode when we least expect it, which can have regretful consequences.
If we want to have a better relationship with anger, we must acknowledge we have the capability to be angry, that it’s healthy and to face it.
The more we allow ourselves to feel our anger, the greater capacity we build to hold it, understand it and process it, without acting on it.
A simple acknowledgement and stating out aloud, I’m feeling angry, is the first step to a healthier relationship with it.
Anger is an emotional response to protect ourselves from threat, and if nurtured, we can use the energy of anger to say no when wouldn’t normally, enforce personal boundaries, face fears and take more empowered action in our lives