Why men don’t speak up in their intimate relationship

Why is it that men don’t speak up in their intimate relationship?

Firstly, because of Shame.

Men struggle to speak up about their own needs and desires in relationships with women because there is a belief we have to be self-reliant and there’s a feeling of shame of needing something from someone else.

It’s like we feel we are a burden if we do so.

We should be able to do it ourselves, if we can’t, then what value do we have?

These beliefs induce shame, and stops us from speaking up.

Secondly, is the fear of conflict, and ultimately fear of abandonment.

Men are hesitant to speak up in their relationship in fear their partners will be mad or angry at them, which men will go to great lengths to avoid, I know.

When our partners are angry or mad, there is potential for criticism, and it can feel as though we have failed and are disapproved of, we aren’t good enough.

So it’s easier to keep our needs and issues to ourselves rather than get into conflict, because if we feel our partner is constantly mad at us, there could be a chance they could ultimately leave us.

Problem is, if we don’t speak up, there becomes a lack of intimacy and connection, which will be one of the reasons of why women will leave men.

In relationships, silence is not golden.

If you find yourself not speaking up in your relationship, I would invite you to do 3 practices:

Journal - Write down your thoughts and what you would like to say. Firstly, write it out raw and unapologetically, let the emotion out through your words. Leave it for a while, and then revisit it, and assess whether this is still a true reflection for you. Write it out again, in a way that's more objective and accounts for you both, and then practice what you would say to your partner.

Talk it through with a supporting friend - Ask the support from a friend to hold space for you and talk through what you're feeling about the relationship and what you would like to say. The more we express what we want to say to someone who's not invested, the more tension leaves us attached to the words and the clearer we become in what we want to say to our partners.

Organise a time to talk with your partner - Having hard conversations with your partner can be hard at times, especially when there is a tendency for one of you to get triggered every time it happens, I get it. One way to move through this is to create a safe container, and we can do this by setting up a designated time and place to speak together. This way you're both prepared to have a truthful conversation, you're fully present and there's no distractions. This is a healthy practice that every relationship should install on a regular basis, rather than having impromptu 'hard' conversations only whenever someone get's triggered.

It's time to speak up honestly and own what’s true for us, while at the same time heal the parts of ourselves that are still afraid to be seen.