The Hidden Anger of Our Inaction
In my world I meet men who are angry, but don’t show it.
On the surface they are laid back, chilled, easy going and kind, which is all true, but there is a hidden anger that boils beneath.
This was me for a very long time, on the surface all seems calm and put together, but underneath an anger that deeply permeated.
An anger that bottles up inside, waiting for someone just to look at us differently or say the wrong thing for us to explode, or something doesn’t go our way, which gives us permission to let the anger out and take it out on another, usually and sadly on those we love.
After doing my own work around this and guiding the men I work with do the same, I learned something very quickly…
At first the anger may seem to be caused by other’s behaviours and directed towards those who may have wronged us, but when we go into what’s really underneath it, is the anger we have towards ourselves for not taking an action.
There’s a sense of powerlessness felt in the moment. An event happens, we instinctively feel we need to do something as a healthy and appropriate response to when someone crosses the line, our values or our boundaries, but instead in the moment we do nothing, usually avoiding any conflict.
We then initially feel anger towards the person who crossed that line, but really, deep down we know we allowed them to cross it, we did nothing about it, and we become angry at ourselves for not taking any action.
We feel angry at our powerlessness.
So, what's the shift?
When we recognise this in ourselves, we actually take back responsibility of our anger and take back control we perceive others may have over us, which empowers ourselves.
We can then acknowledge the message the emotion of anger brings to us, which can often be a threat to our boundaries, a loss of freedom or a sense of injustice.
This can inform us what we value and what we want to stand for.
As we explore this and process the emotion, sometimes allowing it to be released in our own private space, the intensity and sting of the anger starts to dissipate.
Anger can then become used an energy to catapult us into action for what we believe in, what we stand for and the change we would like to see made.
Only this time, the anger comes from a more grounded place and used in a more controlled way, because we’ve understood it’s message.
A plan can then be created around what we can do in future situations, to practice taking action or speaking up in those moments, learning to lean into the moment rather than avoid.
This is a healthy way for men to learn to assert themselves, especially for those who are naturally introverted, empathetic or don’t typically enjoy conflict.
The more we learn what’s really underneath our anger and the message it brings, the more we can take empowered steps towards what we believe in, and what we believe we deserve.