Are some of us men addicted to chaos?

Ever feel like some areas in your life are too good to be true…

At work, you’re in a job that pays well, you like it, you work hard, you’re get along with the people you work with, but you feel something is missing… So you start looking for problems.

At home, you’re finally in a stable relationship where you feel safe to be yourself, you know your partner is in 100% and you have a predictable future together, but something is mission.. So you start looking for problems.

As you look for problems, your mind creates stories and you’re like “bingo, I knew something wasn’t right”, you start to feel anxious and stressed, which creates a little tingle of excitement.

You think of ways how this person may be taking advantage of you, or this person doesn’t love you the way you do, or this is why my boss looked at me funny today, the stories go on.

While the stories in your mind take over, you begin to build resentment, anger or worry, and act accordingly. You start making a fuss over things that never initially bothered you, you get a reaction out of the other person and before you know it, there’s drama.

Now there’s a problem, and you start to feel weirdly comfortable and excited. Almost turned on, and now you’re feeling back to life.

This is a pattern for many men I’ve worked with, they become so uncomfortable with security and stability, and so they actively seek creating stress and chaos. It’s way more of a rush and exciting to constantly feel on edge and unsafe.

Hence why many men may sabotage what they’ve worked so hard for, because stability and security is just not natural for them, it may appear boring or uninspiring.

This was most likely learned from a young age, where as a young boy they felt constantly on edge because of emotional instability at home, the way they received love from a parent was not consistent, or they unconsciously took the role of the peacekeeper in the family when there was turmoil, which gave them a sense of value.

Chaos was normal for them and they learned this is always the case, so they actively seek it out in relationships, social circles and in their career. To them chaos is fun, energising and intoxicating.

The downside to this I tragically see is men sabotaging the wonderful things in their lives, such as healthy relationships, positions of responsibility, successful careers, quality friendships etc. Unhealthy uses of alcohol, drugs and the many different ways of numbing is where it may these behaviours begin or become amplified.

I know this, because I’ve had times in my life I’ve previously sabotaged relationships due to constantly seeking unpredictability and emotional rollercoasters, thinking that’s attraction and love.

So… How do we turn this around?

By becoming aware when we are sabotaging, when we start behaving differently that’s having a negative impact on a certain area in our life.

Then getting to the bottom of why this sudden change in your behaviour, what are the stories in your mind? Are you avoiding something or pushing something away because it’s uncomfortable?

Finally, owning your sabotaging behaviour and take responsibility for it, by talking about it with loved one’s, trusted friends, a coach or mentor, therapist or whoever you feel safe with.

The more we bring light to our self-sabotaging behaviours, the more we release the shame of it, which allows us to heal from our past. The more we do this, the faster we can shift them to what is more empowering and learn what ‘healthy’ really feels like.